Frederick Brand
Frederick Brand was born and raised in a small, working-class mining village which his parents had specially built for him in the grounds of their Surrey estate. Partially raised by Quakers, he spent much of his infancy studying the manifold uses of oats. Seven years of research culminated in his now world-renowned academic paper, "Oats Are Only Good For Porridge", a work that won him the Kellogg prize for Breakfast Science in 1780.
A peculiar but gifted child, he could play the violin with his feet, the piano with his elbows and the drums with his prodigous breasts, often all at the same time. He was quoted in an early interview as saying, "Oranges are most certainly the only fruit", but later changed his mind when he was handed an apple by a Noam Chomsky.
Aged eight, he set about transcribing Wagner's Ring Cycle into Braille, a project which he has yet to complete. During a family camping trip to Utrecht in 1791, he was savagely mauled by a tiger, and to this day a pronounced scar in the shape of the heraldic crest of the Manson family can be seen just above his left eyebrow.
An avid collector of Nazi memorabilia, he purchased Hitler's testicles in 1910, but felt so bad about the whole affair that he sent one back to Mr Hitler by Royal Mail Next Day Special Delivery, and donated the other to the Albert Hall, where it languishes today in a glass case shaped like a phallus.
He joined the Labour Party in the mid-eighties, but was disappointed that he didn't see a single woman give birth. His politcal affiliations then veered towards a greener, more socially conscious party, the British Order of Fascists, and he swiftly rose to the rank of the party's Grand Wizard within a matter of months.
In 1892 he released his patented "Squeegee Board" onto the market, a device that allowed the user to contact the souls of departed window cleaners.
He won the 1901 World Fencing Championships using nothing but a pen, an object which he had always asserted to be mightier than the sword. Shortly after this victory, a brief spell as a psychotherapist ended in tears.
In 1993 Brand was jailed for life for a viscious knife attack on Tommy Cooper- fortunately 60's pop sensation Lulu was in the vicinity and was able to shout loud enough to catch the attention of local law enforcement officers. In his statement, Cooper explained how Brand had come at him from the shadows "..just like that."
A brief period of study at the Gewurtztraminer Institute in Bavaria led to problematic alcoholism, and Brand hit rock bottom when he made an impassioned, but very astute, anti-semitic speech at his nephew's Bar Mitzvah in 1998.
On an archaeological dig in Bolton in 1931, Brand found a three hundred year old Faberge chicken, putting to rest the contentious argument of which came first. He likes the phrase "Yo, Banana Boy" because is it exactly the same when spelled backwards.
He found success in 1961 with his feminist Motown singing trio "The Suffragettes", and went on to marry the lead singer, Candice Tampacks. Tampacks tragically died when she fell under a horse at Newmarket a year later, but Brand remained jubilant as the horse he had backed, Shitzengiggles, romped home to victory in the very same race.
A successful restaurant venture followed when Brand opened Chez Che in Notting Hill in 1989, a Cuban-French fusion restaurant that he called a 'Castropub'. He worked occasional shifts in the kitchen at Chez Che as a Commis Magician, but showed no real talent for it and gave up shortly after.
Brand then hit the bottle, which smashed and caused serious lacerations to his hands and wrists. He set about making dessert wines, and had varying degrees of success: his trifle-flavoured Pinot Noir was a runaway hit, but his Spotted Dick Chablis failed to garner any praise at all.
Brand regularly participates in charity events, turning up to fundraisers wearing nothing but a tricorn hat, two peacock feathers hanging lifeless from his nostrils. He draws crowds wherever he goes, a hobby made much easier by carrying a sketch book and pencil.
He once cried continuously for seven days having dropped a pint of semi-skimmed milk, but snapped out of it when he realised it was of no use.
He is currently engaged to Miley Cyrus, and the couple have already made plans to have her jaw wired and tongue removed so that she may never utter a single word again.
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Apple & Blackberry Crumble Cake
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Lady Gaga: Behind The Poker Face
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Easy Paella Recipe
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